The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
