I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
