If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
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