I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Randomize
