Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
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