Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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