so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
