Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
