You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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