now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
