i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Randomize
