u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
