Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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