my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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