I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Send help, water and tortillas.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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