That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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