Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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