I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
