Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
