my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
