fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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