I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize