I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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