Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
