I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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