i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
