Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
