She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
