That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Randomize
