shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
