if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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