So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
