Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
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