when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
