I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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