If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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