according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
