I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
