Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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