life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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