i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
