obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
