ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
