Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
