I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
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