I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
