Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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