Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Randomize
