saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
quick i need to know how implid consent works for golf carts
too late i think im gettin a gcui
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
