I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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