the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
