I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
