If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
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