I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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