I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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