Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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