I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Only a mothe r could love this liver
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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